Friday, April 8, 2011

Writing in the shadow of a government shutdown

Please note this post has very few original ideas, but I posted a few fun things at this not so fun time.

As Congress haggles over the last six months of this year’s budget and a government shutdown looms – oh and I love DC – the District is crawling with government shutdown pick up lines. You can find shutdown pick up lines tweeted here.

The Huffington Post also has a list of the best government shutdown pickup lines which you can find here

Personal Assistant needed: Federal employees only (Washington DC)


Are you a Federal employee shocked at being furloughed? Does Ron Paul's advice that your landlord will understand not apply to you?

Starting Monday, April 11th, I will be in need of the following from a down-and-out Fed:

Duties to include:
~Gentle waking up (preference for a returned Peace Corps Volunteer who can play an "ethnic sounding" musical instrument)
~Breakfast preparations (omelets, assorted fruit from local organic grocer)
~Drawing of bath water/temperature measurement
~Carry my bag to work for me
~Possibly carry me to work
~Preparing press clippings from the "eye openers" and "Lookout" section of the Express
~IT duties to include help with Angry Birds or Words with Friends (must be proficient with Android OS)
~Lunch truck analysis and delivery of goods
~Scheduling of off-site meetings (to include daily 10:00am, 12:00pm, & 3:00pm coffee and cigarette breaks with the friendly HR staff)
~Preparing of evening television schedule, to include highlights of non-scary news stories and at least two (2) back-to-back episodes of Criminal Minds
~Rocking to sleep and promises that this will never happen to us non-federal employees
Finally:
~Providing daily updates, no later than 7:00pm, if you will be coming back the next day to do it all over again

The ideal candidate will possess the following abilities:
~Strong communication skills (i.e. calm, soothing voice reassuring me I'm right and my boss really was just promoted to get him/her out of the way)
~Attention to detail (does this tie go with the money I’m still earning?)
~Proficient in Microsoft Office, Facebook, and on-line coupon search engines
~Sharp elbows for creating sufficient space on metro platforms and trains
~Must be able to lift at least 20 pounds (for moving of furniture and vacuuming duties)
~Ability to laugh at the fact that while you aren’t getting paid, Congress sure is, all the while knowing they aren't beholden to you DC-ites anyway!

Salary & Benefits Details:
Commiserate with years of government service and level of clearance, or along the GS-5/Pay Band H/FP-9 scale, whichever is lower
401k matching of up to 0.01% (after six-month probationary period, and two years of employment in order to be "vested")
Generous sharing of stories from my day at the office

To Apply:
Please email resume and saddest picture of your clothing that you cannot afford to dry clean anymore.

Last but not least, in preparation for Passover here is a quirky card from Aish Center:

Google Exodus - please follow this link. I tank my friend E. for bringing this to my attention.

Enjoy and have a nice weekend!

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